After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
