I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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