i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
