i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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