I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
