Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
