No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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