i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
