I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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