The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
