Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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