I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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