she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Holy sore nipples Batman
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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