i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize