Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
