She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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