The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize