I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
