turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
