Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize