I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize