I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize