too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
