dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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