Pants 0. Shit 1.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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