you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
