dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
