took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We were destined to go to rehab together
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
