He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
