I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
