we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
