happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
