a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
