I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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