I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
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