I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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