My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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