just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
