Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
