Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
