So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize