Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
