I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
