Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
