The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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