it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
