I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize