I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
