yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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