Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Someone came in the potted fern
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
