You're a womanizer and a bitch.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
why do cheetos always look like penises
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
