i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
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