I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize