Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
