i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
