Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
