I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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