At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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