I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
