Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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